You were so close. 361 more days, and all your New Year’s resolutions would’ve remained intact. But alas, now you’re reading this. And soon enough, you’ll scroll below to find five damn-near-irresistible ways to do the exact opposite of what you said you’d do. Oh well, there’s always next year.
RESOLUTION: DRINK LESS
Anti-Resolution: Drink a $100 Negroni
Only 350 bottles of Nolet’s Reserve gin are produced a year. Of those 350, 75 supposedly go directly to Tiger Woods. Of the two allocated to the city of Chicago, one goes to the Bassment. Anyway, they make a $100 Negroni from it, so you should drink that.
RESOLUTION: QUIT SMOKING
Anti-Resolution: Drink Your Smoke
This giant Germain-Robin Craft-Method brandy drink from Bottlefork is served with a cloud of smoke from a Honduran robusto. So it’s not exactly smoking. But it’s not exactly not smoking either. In other words: beats cold turkey.
RESOLUTION: EVERYTHING IN MODERATION
Anti-Resolution: Nothing in Moderation
Peruse the menu at bi-level steakhouse Maple & Ash, and you’ll find an option entitled: “I Don’t Give a F*@k.” Once you ask for it, they’ll proceed to bring you food. And bring you food. And bring you food. And… you see the pattern here.
RESOLUTION: MAKE SOUND INVESTMENTS
Anti-Resolution: Buy This Damn Thing
“Affordable.” “Price-conscious.” “Necessary.” These are not the words we’d use to describe your impending purchase of a handcrafted desk chair from Virgin that reclaims the iconic chassis of an actual 1980s Vespa. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t buy it. You should. Just… look at it.
RESOLUTION: DEVELOP THICKER SKIN
Anti-Resolution: The Bourbon Bubbler
Winter. Chicago. You know the drill… 1) Make sure you have a warm coat. 2) Try to limit your exposure. 3) Go to NoMI for their Bourbon Bubbler—45 minutes of sweet-smelling skin exfoliation to reduce any winter-inflicted roughness. This actually might be a new drill.
