Anti-Resolutions 2016

Anti-Resolutions 2016

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You were so close. 361 more days, and all your New Year’s resolutions would’ve remained intact. But
alas, now you’re reading this. And soon enough, you’ll scroll below to find five damn-near-irresistible
ways to do the exact opposite of what you said you’d do. Oh well, there’s always next year.

RESOLUTION: DRINK LESS

            Anti-Resolution: Drink a $100 Negroni

Only 350 bottles of Nolet’s Reserve gin are produced a year. Of those 350, 75 supposedly go directly to
Tiger Woods. Of the two allocated to the city of Chicago, one goes to the Bassment. Anyway, they make a $100
Negroni from it, so you should drink that.

RESOLUTION: QUIT SMOKING

            Anti-Resolution: Drink Your Smoke

This giant Germain-Robin Craft-Method brandy drink from Bottlefork is served with a cloud of smoke from a
Honduran robusto. So it’s not exactly smoking. But it’s not exactly not smoking either. In
other words: beats cold turkey.

RESOLUTION: EVERYTHING IN MODERATION

            Anti-Resolution: Nothing in Moderation

Peruse the menu at bi-level steakhouse Maple & Ash, and you’ll find an option entitled: “I Don’t
Give a F*@k.” Once you ask for it, they’ll proceed to bring you food. And bring you food. And bring you
food. And… you see the pattern here.

RESOLUTION: MAKE SOUND INVESTMENTS

            Anti-Resolution: Buy This Damn Thing

“Affordable.” “Price-conscious.” “Necessary.” These are not the words we’d use to describe
your impending purchase of a handcrafted desk chair from Virgin that reclaims the iconic chassis of an
actual 1980s Vespa. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t buy it. You should. Just… look at it.

RESOLUTION: DEVELOP THICKER SKIN

            Anti-Resolution: The Bourbon Bubbler

Winter. Chicago. You know the drill…
1) Make sure you have a warm coat.
2) Try to limit your exposure.
3) Go to NoMI for their Bourbon Bubbler—45 minutes of sweet-smelling skin exfoliation to reduce any
winter-inflicted roughness.
This actually might be a new drill.

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