Everyone’s talking about all the decadent things they’re not going to do for a few days before finally giving up and joining you for all the ridiculous and exorbitantly priced things you’re about to experience. That’s because you saw this list of 2016 anti-resolutions and they didn’t. Silly them.
RESOLUTION: EAT MORE CONSCIENTIOUSLY
Basically, this is just like any other $75 sushi roll that was filled with king crab, toro and langoustine before being topped with uni, gold flakes and caviar. Seen one, seen them all.
RESOLUTION: DRINK LESS
Remember that time you bought a round of 10 66-ounce German beers at BierBeisl Imbiss for all your friends? Probably not, because it hasn’t happened yet. Or maybe it has and you still can’t remember. Either way makes a lot of sense.
RESOLUTION: BE MORE ACTIVE
We’re not saying you need someone to deliver weed-infused teriyaki sauce and kush-laced gummies to your door at the drop of a hat. We’re just saying it’s an option. Next…
RESOLUTION: FOCUS ON OTHERS
Nothing says you can’t drink whiskey with a massage. Except, you know, accepted medical wisdom. Anyway, ignore all that and opt into the Ritz-Carlton’s Whiskey Double Shot instead. It starts with a whiskey scrub, goes into a massage and ends with a whiskey cocktail. Twist ending.
RESOLUTION: BE MORE MODEST
More specifically, Bing Crosby’s denim tuxedo. It’s a real American beauty. One of only 200 all-jean tuxedo jackets crafted from vintage Levi’s for Bing himself back in the day. You basically have to start a band now.
