The resolutions will not be televised, because you’re not doing them. Below you, just a little bit, are five ways to break your resolutions in dazzling fashion.
RESOLUTION: TREAT EVERYONE WITH RESPECT
Nothing says respect like learning how to tie people up for sexual pleasure. To be fair, you’re meant to show up with a partner, thus allowing yourself to be tied up as well. Egalitarianism is important in a relationship. As are slip knots.
RESOLUTION: GO PALEO
Smoked-mallow ice cream, mallow sauce, graham cracker soil and a chocolate cookie. Just like Homo erectus made it.
RESOLUTION: FORGE A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP
Let’s say you’re sick of using “meaningful information” and “scientific compatibility matching” to find people to date. Here’s an app that carefully, thoughtfully collects your information, then pairs you with five people who have compatible astrological signs. It’s the Nancy Reagan approach to dating in New York.
RESOLUTION: LEARN A PRACTICAL SKILL
Fixing a car? Please. Cooking? Psh. How about you learn how to do daring feats of contortion and gymnastics in a hammock suspended high in the air? Because you never know when life will call upon you to fill in for circus performers.
RESOLUTION: REDUCE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT
Actually, you’re keeping your resolution here… with a stage wink. Everyone knows the best way to save planet Earth is with cable-guided wakeboarding sessions. We’re pretty sure it was part of the climate talks.
